1 year ago today I watched as my first daughter was born.

It was an intense night, but at 12:34 am everything went quiet.

I watched as her little body was raised from between my wife’s legs and placed on her chest.

And everything was quiet.

I watched her eyes slowly move back and forth as she began to take the world in. Slowly, but surely her eyes would begin to see better, but at this moment;

This was all there was.

And everything was quiet.

Until it wasn’t.

February 10th will forever be a hinge in my life. The day I went from husband to husband and dada.

It’s been a year since that great oak door opened and I began the journey outside of my comfort zone and I’ve changed a lot, and I want to take some time thinking about what I’ve learned from this year. However, it’s only been 1 year.

I really dislike those cheesy 10 things I learned in 10 months and whatnot, and I don’t think I’m particularly qualified to talk about how to be a dad, but I think I can find 1 thing I learned that I’m comfortable sharing.

I have a hand written note in one of my field notes. I sat down with my a friend of mine who has 4 boys, the oldest is 7 or 8 years old.

I asked him, what should I expect in the first months of being a dad and the only thing I wrote from that conversation was “embrace the chaos”.

I remember him talking to me about how everything was going to be chaotic. Dishes will be sitting in the sink, clothes will be thrown around, and sleep will not come easily, and that’s ok.

I’m a type-A person through and through. I eat the same thing for breakfast every day and I fold my shirts so I can see all of them at once. Me and chaos do not go well together, and I tend to idolize structure and cleanliness. Needless to say, having a baby has cracked my facade of having everything together.

Truth be told, I don’t have everything together, and Lottie has helped me take inventory of the things I care about while tearing down the things I’ve made an idol.

I don’t need personal time everyday to live. I don’t need a solid morning routine to have a good day.

I need Jesus.

Living with a baby is chaos and the solution is not getting rid of that chaos. Try as hard as you can to get a baby to sleep through the night, be able to play on their own, and always take a good nap at the best time of day - it won’t happen.

The chaos is something you have to embrace and live through and the only anchor for that is Jesus. I’ve tried relying on my wife for ultimate comfort, I’ve tried pursuing personal time and hobbies, and I’ve tried laying down to the chaos. None of it works, and most of it hurts.

Christ is the only solid ground to stand on in the loud chaos of raising a baby.

There is so much joy to be had within the chaos. Why fold laundry when I could be playing with my daughter and listening to her laugh? Why yearn for a quiet morning routine when I could be rocking Lottie to sleep? Why worry about being a little late to work when I could be getting Lottie ready for her day?

At the end of all this, getting to know Lottie for the past year has been such an amazing experience. She is such a joy to be around and raise. I’m so proud of her.